she woke up with a sticky ear
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
