"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
