On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
