if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
