I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
