Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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