Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
