If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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