Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
