As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
