I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
