woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
