Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
