So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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