I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
