He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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