I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You took a bar mat shot.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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