we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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