I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
