I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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