smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
