I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
