he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
