Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
