i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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