I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
