Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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