He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
