We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
