When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i dont even know how to be here
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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