i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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