I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She bit a glass in half.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
