Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
