Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
