evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
