i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
