I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
