Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
