I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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