would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
