If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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