FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
