If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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