I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
