i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
