Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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