I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
