I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
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