he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
