Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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