tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
