the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize