I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize