with your own penis?
dude i'm inner monologue high
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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