Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
my poor anus
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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