some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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