I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
