WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
