i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
