there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
